We recently found ourselves on a little venture to Lonesome Lake, a long forest road that leads you nearest to Mount Rainier, without actually entering the National Park side. None of us have visited before, and we nearly passed it, as it was hidden behind groves of beautiful evergreens and a staircase out of sight that took us down to this serene and hidden gem. We had the whole place to ourselves!
It was so warming to see the sun shining despite the lingering fog and chilly air back home. The kids went fishing, the little pup went swimming, and I explored around the perimeter of the lake, stepping through snow, capturing all the unique beauty, and reveling in the happiness we all undoubtedly felt. It's these times when those good thoughts and memories stand out the most. Good thoughts are present and all the changes of life seem more than welcome.
In all honesty though, I've never felt more sorrow and emotion in my life. This past month has proven to be the hardest and most challenging for me. At first, I couldn't figure it out. I thought I was just being super girly, going through a phase - a season - I've never experienced before. Until I was asked by a few dear friends, and it finally hit me. This is now the longest I've ever gone without talking to my Grandma. No mom to talk to, rarely talk to my dad on the other side of the country, no other grandparents or family to speak of.
I had no idea what a lifeline she was for me - until now, and I'd say her loss has truly hit me. I keep waiting for her letters and packages, her phone calls and gold coins. Always gold coins taped in the cards for my babes. Nothing and no one in the world can replace her or mend the hole left in my heart. And right now, that brings tears to my eyes regularly. A few nights ago, I was restless and completely unable to sleep, I got up and cried until the early morning hours. It is weird even typing that, seriously, I'm not a crier by nature.
So today I text my Grandpa, just letting him know I was thinking of him and loved him. We got to talking a bit, I learned her favorite song and he shared a few memories with me. I asked for him to compile a list; a list of her favorites, a list of his memories of her. As I stayed up looking through her photos the other night, I thought of every memory I could manage and haven't stopped. I'm thankful my husband has been sensitive and kind to embrace me and wait for the moment to temporarily subside. For now, it's all I can do.
It was days like this one, where I come home feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to tackle my projects! We enjoy more homemade meals, we embark on long walks, extra cuddling, and simpler and quieter days overall. Feeling so free and so full of life all at once, is the best and most exhilarating of experiences for my family and me, and I am ever thankful to share it together.
Have a great week friends!