Tonight as I took Kate upstairs to put her to bed, I turned on her fan, music, and light projector. Then I took her in my arms, held her, and swayed slowly to the music. As our routine has come to, she laid her head upon my shoulder and spread each arm across and held on to my arms. I ask her for a kiss, and she turns her head and looks up to give me a kiss, lays her head back down, and I rub her back for a few more minutes until I lay her in her crib. Sometimes, I wish I had someone with a camera to watch us and capture moments just like these, not only for Jeremy, but for me when my life has gone by and I wonder how my children have become so grown, and then for my kids. I want Alyx and Kate to know when they're older, despite my mistakes, that I love and have loved them every minute of every day, and I have never taken for granted a single moment of time with them. I think about Jeremy's childhood stories and my own, and I wonder if my mom held me as a child, feeling my little heart beat and thought of that very moment for years to come. I do.
We went up to Seattle with my friend Katie today to see the new ferris wheel built on the waterfront. Not fully knowing what to expect or where to go, we found it and enjoyed the incredible scenic views as we sat in the ferris wheel above the water, above Seattle. It's very random for sure, but amazing. Jeremy had told me about it first, and I wanted to wait for him to come home before I went, but when Katie offered the idea, I knew I had to go. There are pictures of us there on my facebook.
We also stopped at the Fremont Troll, and because of how crowded everything was with the Bite of Seattle going on, we headed back to Tacoma. I drove Katie around some of my favorite places (the mansion on the North end), the theaters downtown, Antique row, the Stadium district, and then showed her the places she's visited on 6th Ave near our house.
When we got home, the sun broke through the clouds a little more, and as we were winding down from our day, I thought of Jeremy and how days like today are kind of like the days with him. I miss him. On the occasional good days like this, I wish so badly that it was him I was enjoying and experiencing it with. My heart often hurts at his absence. However, I'm thankful for the amazing friends I've made this far that fill that lonely space.
Not to mention, of course, that I have two incredibly wonderful babies who give me purpose when I don't want any or feel like I have none with out Jeremy here. I greatly look forward to the day when he comes home, and I can only pray he doesn't leave again, but it's good to know that if he does, we'll be ok. Not just in our days with out him, but that Jeremy and I will be ok too. I know that our commitment and love, even though we aren't married (mostly because he hasn't been home long enough to set a date) is stronger than we could've ever thought possible.
We love you babe.